RUTHERBLOG

Direct Line sent me a gift yesterday. Or rather, it didn’t.

The size of a chequebook, it’s full of pictures of things I can insure (a ‘fridge, a car, a pet) with my name on each: ‘Paul’ integrated into the photos as if it were actually on the item. It’s a very clever piece of digital printing.

And on the first page, they thank me for choosing them again, and as a token of appreciation here’s this ‘handy booklet in which you’ll find our gift to you’:

“Discounts across their range of products”.

That’s not a gift; that’s an offer. Putting aside the legal difference , what really irritates about this hand-tooled, finely-wrought piece of marketing nonsense is the blatant abuse of meaning.

When I give a gift (see; use of the word give is a clue), it doesn’t come with conditions. I don’t expect the recipient to have to give me something back so that they can realise the value.

“Happy Christmas, son. Here are some batteries. Given me £150 and I’ll let you have the remote control car to go with them.”

That’s a deal, an exchange, a contract, a bargain, a sale. It’s not a gift.

Interesting to note that there is some precise language on that first page: ‘we’re giving you this handy booklet in which you’ll find our gift to you’ (my italics). So, the company is clear that the  booklet isn’t the gift. There is nothing tangible here. Indeed, the only way of realizing the ‘gift’ is to make another purchase.

Which means that not only is this a jaw-tensing abuse of  language, it’s also a lie. They are not making me a gift at all. They’re making a promise of a gift if I make another transaction.

With wobbling bottom lip he recounts: “My present was under the tree. I was so excited, I tore off the paper, and found that the box was empty, save for an IOU.”

Thank you, Direct Line.

CAUSE FOR CELEBRATION

While we’re here, at the first virtual meeting of “Pedants’ Anonymous”, have you noticed how the word celebrate has changed its meaning?

You probably grew up thinking that celebrate meant to mark an achievement or a milestone of some sort; a marriage, a coming-of-age, exam results, a sporting success.

Not any longer. Now we’re being offered the chance to celebrate the release of a DVD.

Celebrate now means plug.

But again, take a moment to unpack the sentence in which it appears on your local radio station: “We’re giving you the chance to celebrate the release of ‘Now That’s What I Call High School Musical 58′ with our fun competition / ‘phone-in / organ donation scheme / whatever.”

Oh THANKS. You’re giving me the opportunity to mark the fact that I can now buy something from you. Truly, I am blessed.

Look – I know that I sound like a grumpy old man on this. That’s because I am. And I am, because it matters.

Language defines us. Along with opposable thumb, it puts space between us and pondlife. As a friend recently posted on his Facebook wall: “We do not describe the world we see; we see the world we describe”.

Language is the toolkit with which we make the world. The greater our vocabulary, the greater the granularity with which we can see and understand. The meaning of words matters because they give common currency with which to share understanding.

And if we let words like gift and celebrate get hijacked and subliminally redefined without even noting that it’s happening, we’ll be much the poorer for it.

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Listening to Mark Kermode‘s round-up of ‘Films of the 2008′ the most damning thing he said about the latest Bond, Quantum of Solace, was that the blatant product placement didn’t interrupt the narrative of the movie.

Because there is no narrative.

With the major film studios now spending over $100m just to promote a movie, all financial contributions are being gratefully received. Similarly, as advertisers find it increasingly difficult to be heard about the din of the marketplace, communicating with a captive audience is an opportunity too good to miss.

Expect to see a lot more blatant product placement in the near future, as the boundaries between the studios, media owners, technology providers and distribution networks become increasingly blurred.

The shift to digital also creates new possibilities. I predict that soon, brand managers and corporate sponsors will be able to insert their product or message into the studios’ back catalogues. Indeed, I am setting up a new agency to advise in this area. Here are my initial thoughts on possible ‘value enhancing synergies’.

Apple – All About Eve

Guinness – Black Narcissus

Ann Summers – Brief Encounter

Parcelforce – Deliverance

Fairy Liquid – Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Dyson – Gone with the Wind

Kleenex – Home Alone

Strepsils – Little Voice

Skype – Look Who’s Talking

Audi – Lord of the Rings

Dulux – Magnolia

Tarmac – Paths of Glory

Harrods – The Prince of Egypt

Ronseal – Rabbit Proof Fence

Velcro – Hook

London Stock Exchange – Raging Bull

Chelsea Football Club – Roman Holiday

Rolls Royce – Silent Running

Michelin – Star Wars

Google – The China Syndrome

Greggs – The Fabulous Baker Boys

Eurostar – The French Connection

Microsoft – The Great Dictator

Rotring – The Thin Blue Line

News International – The Wizard of Oz

All further ideas and suggestions are most welcome…

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