“I think I may have murdered my Mother-in-Law”.

After they had listened to a convoluted tale of family members being pushed up chimneys, Pinter gave some sage advice, which the stranger gratefully accepted, drank up and set off home.

“What a strange fellow” said Ayckbourn.

“Was he?” replied Pinter.

Ayckbourn observed that this sort of thing never happens to him, but that it was a common occurence for Pinter – as if he was so utterly submersed in the universe of his drama that it was, indeed,  his reality.

An interesting but uncomfortable notion, as the following type of exchange becomes all too frequent in my world…

* * * *

A voicemail today from HM Revenue and Customs.

An anonymous messenger with the warmth of corrugated iron asked to speak to a Director or signatory of Company XYZ (a spin-off company from my main business). It gave me a number and a reference to quote, then set me a deadline by which they must hear from me.

I called back at once. One ignores HMRC at one’s peril.

I was put on hold.

A recording told me that they were sorry they couldn’t answer immediately, but were very busy, and would pick up my call as soon as someone became available.

I held some more. The message repeated the apology.

A little more piped music; another apology. By this time, I was so glad that I had returned the call so promptly.

After five minutes a woman answered. Who was I and what was the company name? I gave her both.

“And your address and postcode?”

As I conduct virtually all business by email, text and phone, I very rarely give out the postcode. I told her I didn’t know.

“Then we can’t process the call if you can’t answer the security question.”

But you called me.

“Sorry sir. You have to answer the postcode for security purposes.”

Hold on.

(Sitting at my PC, I typed in the company name to Google and accessed its website. The Contact Us page.)

I read her the postcode.

“That’s correct. And what’s the company telephone number?”

What are you asking that for? You called me.

“It’s for security sir. I can’t process this call unless you give me your ‘phone number.”

I read her the company telephone number.

“No. That’s not the number we have. That’s not your phone number. Unless you give me that information, I can’t take this call any further and help you with your enquiry.”

But I don’t have an enquiry. YOU have an enquiry. Remember, you called me.

“But we have to ensure that we’re speaking with a representative of the company. And if you can’t give me your number…”

I am giving you my number; that’s the company number.

“Well it’s not the number we hold sir. Could this be a direct dial number?”

Could be. Tell me what it is and I’ll confirm that.

“I can’t do that sir. It’s a security question.”

Well, is there anything else you could ask me? Is there a password or do you have the names of Directors. I could tell you that?

“Just a moment sir.”

More music.

“How much PAYE did you pay in March?”

I have no idea. It’s not information that I carry round in my head.

“Don’t you pay people?”

Yes, of course we pay people – or more accurately, we have a finance department that pays people. You could speak with them, but as your message specifically asked for a Director or signatory, I called you back.

“I’m just going to put you on hold.”

Another 20 bars of music.

“Sir?”

Yes?

“I have another question, which I need you to answer if this call is to go any further forward.”

OK

“How many P14′s did you issue last year.”

I am silent.

“Well, in that case, I suggest that you contact your local tax office to ask them to give you the information that we hold on our system. Then you can call us again and we can deal with your query.”

But as I said before, I don’t HAVE a query. You have a query. You called me. Tell you what; as you hold the information, why don’t you call me back?

“Well, I’ll still have to ask you security questions.”

Like what?

“Your telephone number…Will that be all sir?”

You tell me; I’ve just failed a security check on a call that you asked me to make.

“If you get the information, then you can call us back.”

Err, before you go…

“Yes?”

Are you going to record that I did call you in response to your earlier message. After all, it insisted that I call back by Tuesday, and as today is Friday and Monday is a public holiday, it’s getting a bit tight.

“I have made a record that someone called, but that they failed the security questions.”

So you haven’t recorded that a Director or signatory of the company DID call back.

“No sir. I could only do that if you had answered the security questions.”

But then… oh, forget it.